Warning long post
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
warning: LOng post
summary: cde for A levels and c5 for gp
conflicting memores of the past
painful memories
long version
read below
theres no way in words to describe the feelings i have been experiencing since i got the slip of paper
c for history
okay im fine with it
d for econs
kind of dissapointed
hoping for a c
e for maths
alrite
im thankful i managed to pass it
gp c5..
hoping for b or sumthing
funni i predicted bcd
in the end cde
not bad got 2 out of the 3 correct
now laugh sarcastically
and so while my peers go off to rejoice or console each other in each others company
this boi slips off annoymously onto bus 132 heads to orchard
drags his heavy heart and feet while staring blankly around
hops on the mrt and heads to ps
plays some arcade game called maximum tune 2
that momentarily reliefs him from all the "agony"
after that trugdes all the way back to orchard mrt station to catch the bus home all in solitude
the feeling aint nice at all
i wont mince my words
i feel damn dissapointed
fuckstrated is more appropriate
i have only myself to blame
for letting myself sucumb to one and half years of studying
distracted
distaught
i simply couldnt concentrate
up to now i still find it hard to let go of
all that hate
agony
angst
the desire for revenge
yes time has passed
im stuck in this rut surrounded by negativety
everytime i think of the past
shit hits me in the face
all those horrible memories come flooding instantly
the events of 2004 in particular
this has to stop
i cannot let this one and half year burden remain in my subconcsciousness
for the rest of my life
i try to hide it
but deep down inside
its still inside
let me put it this way
the next time i see my former classmates
i will try to be amiable
and put aside my pre judgement of them that was created
by events of the pass
i want to let by gones be bygones
whats pass is pass
im sure u have noticed
throughout my 20 months of blogging
there has been a lot of mention of this events that happened back in 04
its a pity for me
jealously
has dont nothing for me
it has only made me
so full of negativety
hate
envy
greed
i hate to admit it
but im easily affected by the environment im in
i find it hard to go the way less travelled
i usually try to follow the crowd
why?
cos being myself
doesnt make me mr popular
but wait why do i crave popularity
maybe i just want acceptance by friends
u noe seeing friends laughing and having a good time in cliques
cliques
that the crux of the issue in 04-05
i desperately yearned for the" going to town and chill with frens over coffee
movies etc syndrome"
laughing like lunatics and talking freely in the knowledge and companionship of your buddies
call me childish or whatever
i can tell u genuinely how badly i wanted to have group of friends i could call my own during my time in cj
i.....
feel like an outcast in some ways
maybe people perceive me as a loner
i cant blame them
after all
i hardly talk
u seldom see my smiling
oh hes mr quiet aka always stern etc
i feel so akward.......
i have to like force myself to think of sumthign to say
during prom nite
i felt so out of touch
its like i dont share similar interest.....
i dont have the natural ability to crack jokes
or lead pple
today in school
i felt like a bastard
i didnt even say a word of thanks to my teachers who taught me
ididnt say much to my classmates
..........
enough i dont want to bore ur down too much
i hope this is the last time i blog like this....
im sorry
this post contrasts to the lighter tone of my previous posts
as well as posts in jan and feb 06.........
oh to my true friends
u have my eternal thanks.........
11:28:00 PM
